Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. “This coffee,” he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, “is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers.”

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

“This one isn’t so hot, sir!” he beamed.

[Doc Dan]

[Fireman]

I wonder how many can remember this vid -- CLASSIC!

Terry Tate Sensitivity Training

https://youtu.be/g91wjVx ... r_embedded

:D :D SB / BRUCE

I absolutely love all the Terry Tate motivational videos

[Doc Dan]

So many people today are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them!

[Doc Dan]

The next time you dislike your life, remember it’s all about perspective.

I have a friend who reads 2 to 3 books a week, works out twice a day, and has no financial worries.

And yet, he constantly complains about how much he hates prison.

[Doc Dan]

1. Going to bed early
2. Not leaving my house
3. Not going to a party

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

[Doc Dan]

A man visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country for Thanksgiving. On the first morning of the visit, the grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. The man noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, the grandpa made hamburgers. Again, the man was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.

Without looking up, the grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”

Later, as the man was leaving, the grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

The man said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”

The grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”


Enjoy your meals

[Doc Dan]

Knock knock.

Who's there?
Ether.

Ether who?

Ether Bunny. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Nother.

Nother who?

Nother Ether Bunny. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Cargo.

Cargo who?

Cargo "beep beep" and run over all the Ether bunnies. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?
Don't cry -- The Ether Bunny be back next year!

[Doc Dan]

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better!


Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!

[Doc Dan]

I recently discovered that I am terrified of elevators and I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

[Doc Dan]

Breaking News: The fire department had to be called to rescue a number of Auburn University students, today. The escalator stopped working, stranding and trapping the 48 students.

[Doc Dan]

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway.

Police report there is no congestion in the area.

[Doc Dan]

A woman had been working since the age of 14. She was celebrating her 64th birthday and was questioned about when she was going to give up work for good.

“I see you’ve just turned 64,” a colleague commented. “When are you thinking of retiring?”

With a sigh the woman replied: “Constantly!”

[Doc Dan]

“And remember class:” i before e except after c; except when your foreign neighbor Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters, because the sovereigns forfeited their heifers at the height of leisure.

[legOFwhat?]

What's the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

[Doc Dan]

A blond young lady was applying for acting classes. At the end of the busy day, she went back to her room and entered in a huff of anger.

“What’s wrong?” asked her roommate.

“Well, all the acting classes are filled. I couldn’t even get into Mime class.”

“Why not?”

“How should I know? You can’t get a word out of those people!”

[Doc Dan]

Those genetic engineers. One of them crossed Lassie with a cantaloupe and got a melon-collie baby.

[Doc Dan]

OBITUARY: Lemuel Sistrunk, 107

The oldest citizen of the county, Old Lem passed away the other day. When asked on his hundredth birthday for the secret of his longevity and continued vitality, he said he was in the habit of sprinkling a table-spoon of gunpowder on his oatmeal each morning. That was seven years back, and to this reporter's knowledge, he continued that practice up to his dying day.

Old Lem left behind fourteen children, 37 grandchildren, 76 great-grandchildren, 23 great-great-grandchildren, and a seven-foot hole in the wall of the local crematorium.

[Doc Dan]

[Manixguy@1994]