Family friendly jokes

[riclaw]

Good one, Bolster.

[riclaw]

So, what do you call a wreath of $100 bills?

► Show Spoiler

Aretha Franklin

I didn't know we could hide the punch line. I learned something new. Thanks!

[Doc Dan]

So, what do you call a wreath of $100 bills?

► Show Spoiler

Aretha Franklin

I didn't know we could hide the punch line. I learned something new. Thanks!

I didn't either and I wonder if it is a new addition? It is that little yellow triangle.

[Doc Dan]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

[legOFwhat?]

Wife: "I have a lot of my old clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

[Doc Dan]

Wife: "I have a lot of my old clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

When's the funeral?

[legOFwhat?]

Wife: "I have a lot of my old clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

When's the funeral?

Torso will be held on Saturday and the other parts will be gathered once they are found

[Doc Dan]

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet; the house is full of weird fruits.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

[Doc Dan]

I heard that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it is raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?!

[Doc Dan]

I put a bet on a horse to come in at 20 to 1 – and it did!

Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

[Doc Dan]

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him: “What’s the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can’t you find anyone who suits you?”

“No,” Manny replies. “I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking!”

“Listen,” his friend suggests. “Why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your dear ole mother?”

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. “So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet, one that’s just like your mother?”

Manny shrugs his shoulders: “Yes, I found one just like mum. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends”.

“So should I congratulate you? Are you and this girl engaged, yet?” the friend asks.

“I’m afraid not. My father can’t stand her!”

[Doc Dan]

A man walks into a post office one day and sees a balding, middle-aged man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

Curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

[Doc Dan]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds. He entered a patient’s room to find him sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion: “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

The doctor inquired: “And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?”

“Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.”

The doctor asks: “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”

“What? And work in the dark?”

[Bolster]

^ LOL that one, LOL. Nothing like sharing a hallucination.

[Doc Dan]

Husband: I haven't lost all of my marbles, yet.

Wife: No, but your bag definitely has a hole in it.

[Doc Dan]

Everyone thinks Transylvania is full of vampires. I asked my friend and he said he hasn't seen one in over 500 years!

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

John and Sue, a married couple, are sitting on the couch watching television. On the show, the TV hosts are speaking about how to prepare incase of death.

Turning to his wife, John says, “Honey, I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluids, that you will make sure to put an end to it.”

“No problem,” said Sue.

So, she got up, turned off the TV and poured his beer down the drain.

[Doc Dan]

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: “What was that all about?”

[Doc Dan]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will be murdered this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the mystic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: “Will I be acquitted?”