Family friendly jokes

[Manixguy@1994]

[TomAiello]

This one always makes me laugh, because my perspective on skydiving is substantially different from most.

Skydivers always have a second parachute.

[Manixguy@1994]

This one always makes me laugh, because my perspective on skydiving is substantially different from most.

Skydivers always have a second parachute.

Yes ! We have a skydiving club a few miles outside of town . Brother skydived in Alaska years ago .

[Doc Dan]

I’ve just recently overcome my addiction to chocolate, nuts, and marshmallows.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It was a Rocky Road.

[Doc Dan]

We went on a ski trip recently. It started off fine, but it went downhill fast.

[Doc Dan]

Last Christmas I bought my friend a lie detector as a gift.
“Oh… I love it!” she said.
“We’ll see,” I said.

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?

► Show Spoiler

A pineapple!

[Doc Dan]

An elderly couple passed away and found themselves at the gates of heaven. They were given a tour by Saint Peter.

He showed them to a beautiful big apartment block and said: “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.” Then he headed off.

The elderly couple looked in shock at each other before the old man hissed: “Heck, Gloria, we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ and low-fat diets!”

[Doc Dan]

The cat had an obsession with the sparkling, twinkling Christmas tree. The entire holiday season, it was an endless job to keep the cat from the climbing the tree and the family from climbing the wall. Thankfully, it was Christmas Eve, and the tree would be coming down soon.

However, it was then that the oversized barn cat decided it was time to wage war. Unfortunately, the tree stand wasn't up to the added weight of the pudgy, treat-happy tomcat. With one single leap like a reindeer landing on a roof, the cat launched into the tree, and it came crashing to the ground with a thunderous boom.

Upon hearing the resounding crash, the entire family sprang from their bed. The living room looked like a Christmas wasteland, with ornaments rolling under the couch and the tree crushing presents. The cat slunk away under the radar to pick needles out of his fur. Bobby, the youngest, looked up at his mother in wonder, and with the keen eye of a kid, he said, "Dad was right, Mom. Santa thought your Christmas tree was ugly, too."

[Doc Dan]

A little boy secretly followed a department store Santa to the changing room. The man came out in his street clothes, ready to go home. The boy popped out, "I knew it."

Nervously, the man looked around, asking, "Knew what?"

Smiling ear to ear, the little boy leaned in close and whispered, "I knew that Santa wouldn't be able to keep an eye on all the little girls and boys without a secret identity."

The man smiled, nodding. "Just make sure not to tell anyone."

The little boy nodded enthusiastically, "I won't, San…" the boy paused, looking around cautiously before adding, "I mean Kris Kringle."

[Doc Dan]

My husband took our two sons, six-year-old Devin and four-year-old Chase, to a party where Santa would be handing out gifts. The instructions from the organizers were to bring our own gifts, so I brought beach towels with the kids’ names printed on them.

Upon arriving, Devin said he couldn’t believe the skinny Santa was actually Santa. His doubt turned to belief when he opened his gift.

“He has to be the real Santa!” he said. “How else would he know my name?”

—Paulette Ryan, Fredericton, New Brunswick

[Doc Dan]

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

► Show Spoiler

A rebel without a Claus.

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

It is the Christmas season and the judge asks the accused man: “Well, Mr Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honour,” replies Mr Jones humbly.

“That’s no crime,” comments the judge. “What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?”

“Just before the store opened.”

[Doc Dan]

In the supermarket on Christmas Eve, a man was pushing a trolley with a screaming, bellowing baby sitting in the front seat.

“Don’t cry, Albert. Don’t scream, Albert. Don’t yell, Albert. Keep calm, Albert,” the man kept repeating softly.

A woman standing next to him said: “You certainly are good with trying to calm your son, Albert.”

The man looked at her and said: “Lady, I’m Albert.”

[Doc Dan]

A newlywed couple went to Australia for their honeymoon. While swimming in the ocean, the man was attacked and killed by a Great White Shark. He didn't suffer long, however. He had only been married for 5 days.

[Doc Dan]

A man asked his wife what she liked best about him.

“Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect? Maybe it’s my striking facial structure?”

She paused for a moment and patted him gently on the shoulder. “Your sense of humour, dear.”

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]